Facing the Fear

At 27, sometimes I feel like my body is failing me, like I’m just waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I feel like I’ve been living in fear since the day I was diagnosed – fear of passing out from a low, fear of complications, fear of losing a limb or even my life. I even feared writing this blog entry because this is the scariest part of diabetes and sometimes the reality of it is just too hard to take. But like any other fear, you have to crawl out of that hiding place and face it.

I am reminded of the fear every single day. It is a constant thought, always in the back of my mind. With at least 4 finger pricks a day and clear tubing always attached to me, how could it not be? While it is always there, I try to not to let it get me down. However, I’m not always successful in this – I’m only human…(and a worry-wart diabetic).

While having diabetes is enough a reason to justify the fear, since my diagnosis, the fear has intensified by the other health related challenges I’ve had to face: hypothyroidism, high cholesterol (for diabetes standards), and the kicker, celiac disease. All of these, and diabetes, are autoimmune illnesses. When the blood work was initially run to check for celiac, my Dr. mentioned that since I already several autoimmune issues she would check for several others because as she put it, “when there’s one, there’s usually at least another.”

For the last week, I’ve been worried that there may be another one to add to my diabetes resume. With daily symptoms of heartburn, nausea, unexplained highs and lows, feeling full after a just a few bites, and abdominal pain, the fear that something else could be wrong with me has been overwhelming.  In these situations, google can be your best friend or your worst enemy. In one google search of my symptoms, my fears were justified and intensified all at the same time.

My “google diagnosis” is gastroparesis – a condition in which the muscles in your stomach don’t function normally due to damage to the vagus nerve which means that it reduces the ability of the stomach to empty its contents. The most common cause of gastroparesis? You guessed it – diabetes. High blood sugar levels cause chemical changes in nerves and damages the blood vessels that carry oxygen and nutrients to the nerves. Over time, high blood sugars can damage the vagus nerve that leads to stomach muscle failure.

When I was lying in a hospital bed, learning about the complications of diabetes, I wondered how long it would take to develop my first complication. If I have gastroparesis, the answer would be 10 years, 6 months, and so many days, as this would be my first “diabetes caused this” complication. That alone is tough for me to swallow. Add to it the gastroparesis complications and treatment search results, and I am one scroll-down-to-continue-reading away from the worst breakdown I’ve had in years.

I just can’t go there right now- the possibilities and what if’s are just too painful. I’m trying to save the energy on worrying about it until a Dr. actually gives me another challenge to face. It’s hard not to consider what could happen next and I have until my Dr. appointment next Thursday to weigh all the outcomes, to muster up the strength to face whatever happens next.